There are five love languages according to Dr Gary Chapman, author, speaker and counsellor. Dr Chapman travels the world helping people build lasting relationships. His passion about this love concept flows over in his bestselling books, The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Lasts. and The Five Love Languages of Children are testament that maybe Gary is on to something we all should know about. So, stay tuned to find out what is your love language.
Feeling loved makes us more loving
Now since I own and have read both these books, I will try to impart a little of this enthralling thesis that we all have a predominant love language that makes us feel loved and if our partner or parent uses this well guess what, we feel loved! That is wonderful, isn’t it? If we all feel more loved we will be less grudging, less spiteful, less vengeful etc and the world will be a better place for it. Particularly for children this is a precious tool. Attention seeking behaviour is all about wanting love.
The Five Love Languages
Not in any order of importance, the five love languages are TOUCH, WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, QUALITY TIME, ACTS OF SERVICE and GIFTS.
Maybe you know already from this list which one you or your partner best responds to. If not sure, you could ask yourself or them the simple question, how do you know I love you?
If they answer because you kiss and hug me each day then their love language is clearly TOUCH. If they answer because you tell me that you love me then it could be their language is words of affirmation. If they say ‘I know you love me because you buy me nice things,’ then they treasure gifts as the expression of love. These sort of partners could be expensive though, I’m thinking…
If she says I know you love me because you take me to the movies and out to dinner then maybe she values quality time. If he says he loves her because she cooks him lovely meals and irons his shirts then he values acts of service. You get the idea. You can try the online love language quiz here.
Love Languages help us understand ourselves and others
Knowing your partner’s love language helps understand them and the way they think. It can avoid misunderstandings, fights and even divorce. If she/he misinterprets your actions and feels unloved they can either sulk, lash out in anger or even run off and have an affair.
They are feeling hurt and unloved and that leads to all sorts of dramas in life including crime. How many domestic abuse cases are due to this misunderstanding? He expects a lot of physical affection but she doesn’t like the touchy-feely stuff as much or is tired or anxious, so he feels unloved or falls out of love and goes elsewhere or beats her up. Perhaps there were signs of abuse to be aware of.
Love creates happiness for couples and children
This sort of realisation can make couples happier as they understand each other better. How good is that if they can avoid estrangement and divorce? But knowing the love language of a child can help immensely as well. Each child is different even in the same family. This is not rocket science but some parents go for the one size fits all way of raising their brood. This however can lead to unhappiness and delinquency for one child whereas the others turn out just fine.
It is like the couples examples, all about perception and less about malicious intent on the part of the other person or parent. A child can become very upset when their parents spend less time with them, hugs them less, forgets to bring home a gift from a trip, or stops helping them with their project. They feel unloved. Tantrums, anger outbursts or withdrawal are a result . School grades can drop and siblings can be on the receiving end of bullying from the upset child. Sibling rivalry is a common form of domestic abuse.
Children and teens can feel unloved
Busy time-poor parents, separation, divorce and new siblings whether step or biological can easily upset a child. Knowing the child’s love language can help avoid this. The 5 Love Languages of children is as good a read as the original Love Languages book by Dr Chapman. It includes case studies of real stories and quizzes for the kids to do so you realise the love language of your child.
Don’t forget to find out your own and that of your partner too! This is important for the family dynamics when they are young and all the way through the teen years. Parents are really part psychologists and counsellors. Get it right and you have a great family for life not a splintered angry lot of individuals who hold grudges for perceived slights and injustices. It helps everyone understand each other and get along well.
So, I recommend these books to anyone who wants to make their family the best that it can be. Get with the love and blossom.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Joni Scott is an Australian author with three published novels: Whispers through Time and The Last Hotel and Colour Comes to Tangles. Joni also co-hosts a women’s blog; https://whisperingencouragement.com/ and has her own website; https://joniscottauthor.com
